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The Golden Miner: When Cookie Clicker is Not Enough

Yes, the world hates productivity. No, you may never stop clicking.

Remember Cookie Clicker?

Yeah, well. That's yesterday's news. (Literally.) The Golden Miner is the latest in a growing line of mindless yet alarmingly addictive 'click till you acquire repetitive stress disorder' 'incremental games' for the browser. Yes, these productivity-eating buggers apparently have done damage to the collective psyche to warrant a genre of their own now.

Clickclickclickclick.

There's something weirdly satisfying about watching the torrent of numbers, the way my repository of gold jumps each time I click the screen. I try to ignore that heady pleasure as much as possible. This is an addiction I can do without. In an attempt to curb the dawning compulsion, I pour most of my experience points into 'The Trainer' attribute (this increases the effectiveness of your underlings), all in the name of minimizing active time spent here. It's sort of working. I have a legion of moles, twelve bulldogs and a cardboard robot doing most of the work for me. But they're not working fast enough. Each of my click further expedites their efforts. If I put some skill points into Golden Axe, I'd be able to make each click even more profitable. All I need is another 80, 000, 000 gold to get a saw-toothed Caterpillar. Then, then I can stop.

Oh, god.

The Golden Miner is a clickfest colored by the trappings of an RPG. On the right, we have what appears to be the silhouette of a pickaxe-wielding wizard and empty inventory slots awaiting shiny new items. On the left, an experience bar, a rudimentary skill tree and the image of a pixelated mine. Somewhere in the middle, there sits a panoply of minions to hire, buildings to make and the option to gamble your ill-gotten treasures away.Gameplay predominantly consists of hitting the mine obsessively with your mouse cursor, deciding what you'd like to add to your list of employees and attempting to determine which piece of gear is most valuable for your character. (Hint: Always go with the one that bolsters your stats.) It's as subversive and as soul-sucking as you think it might be, utterly pointless but engrossing nonetheless.

Send help.

The brave can choose to access the game here.

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