01 / 10 / 2018: Despite the whispers in the alleyways, no Nintendo Direct has been confirmed for January 11—or indeed, for any day of the month.
We are as caged rats who can smell the sweat-basted flesh of the terrified prisoner on the other side of the mesh, but are yet forbidden from sinking our teeth into the prize. Or perhaps we are more akin to dried-out desert dwellers who are forced to watch helplessly as tantalizing storm clouds gather on the horizon—and then blow away from us.
But there is still reason to hope, to dream of the flood. Nintendo has made it clear it has a prize for us; it simply wishes to teach us the virtue of patience and the satisfaction of delayed reward. Opinions vary, of course. The five-year-olds amongst our number have made a strong case for "Nintendo is being a big mean doo-doo head."
What is the secret you're seeking? I know it, I know it, ha HA! I can't tell you! It's hiding somewhere and no peeking! Go find it, go find it, scra-CAW! pic.twitter.com/uOzojBR7A4— Nintendo of America (@NintendoAmerica) January 5, 2018
What ails Nintendo? Ghosts, perhaps?
Nintendo removed Flog from the Switch, and now the spirit of Iwata is pissed and won't let them start up the Direct machine.— Jeffrey Grubb (@JeffGrubb) January 10, 2018
Maybe it just enjoys watching us hurt ourselves, and each other.
when someone retweets a fake Nintendo Direct announcement and you fall for it pic.twitter.com/gfN5sUzxRg— Shane (@FourScore64) January 10, 2018
What Nintendo fails to understand, however, is that we've ultimately grown stronger in our suffering. Though there are instances where we prey upon one another in this rat cage, we have also formed a bond that's stronger than Rambi and sturdier than the very foundation of New Donk City.
Be warned, Nintendo. You can taunt us, you can tease us, but every man, woman, and animal has a breaking strain. If you continue to test ours, the consequences for you might be … grim.
Just give us the Direct, Nintendo. Give us the Direct, and we can have a civilization again.
Having duly warned you, I take my leave.
She Who Forgot Her Name When the Hype Train Blew its Whistle at Dawn (but I recall my mother once whispering to me, "Grow to be mighty, young 'Give Me a New 2D Zelda Right Now').