Whenever I leave the house, Pokémon Go comes with me. I open the app at least once while I'm on the road and sniff out weaknesses in Gyms, like a Mightyena scanning its environment for prey made feeble by age. Inevitably, I find my mark: A Gym guarded by Pokémon with flagging motivation.
I'm about to move in for the kill, but something that initially missed my gaze stops me: A 2500 CP Blissey brimming with strength and motivation looming over its fellows. I sigh and turn tail.
"That's right," the immovable dollop of pink custard calls after me in a sweet voice. "Walk away. Just walk away. Wuss. Pansy. Maybe Garfield Go is more your speed."
Blissey is the worst. Just the absolute worst. If you want to draw out any Pokémon battle to the point where everyone starts snoring, contenders included, throw a Blissey in there. Its insanely high HP combined with its crazy special defense stat makes it tough to whittle this eraser-pink Pokémon down to a nub. Oh, and it can heal itself. I can't shake the feeling if you looked at Kirby's family tree, you'd find an "-ey" branch that oozed into being after a rogue cousin married one of Hell's generals.
Trying to defeat Blissey in a mainline Pokémon game is like trying to burst open a stress ball by getting a baby to squeeze it. It can be done with relatively little pain, however, if you know the right strategies. Unfortunately, battles in Pokémon Go aren't heavy on strategy. At best, you can hatch and train up a few good Fighting-type Pokémon in hopes of shifting Blissey's Normal-type bulk. I've groomed a Primeape and Hariyama for the purpose, and they get the job done. Gradually. Eventually.
Editor's Note: Blissey is apparently in the underused category now, which shows that even the mighty pink blob can fall. But we still have serious PTSD from fighting the Skarmory/Blissey combo in Ruby and Sapphire.
Yeah, fights against full-strength Blisseys are generally very slow in Pokémon Go, no matter what. It's a problem for a few reasons. First, Pokémon Go battles are timed. If you don't fell your foe within a time limit, it's tough nuts and back to start for both of you (and your foe regains any HP you might've shaved off during your scrap).
Second, speaking of time limits, standing on a street corner while jabbing at your phone repeatedly with a single finger will earn you a few side-eyes after a couple of minutes have passed. A minute more, and parents begin to goad their children away from you. Congratulations: You're the new neighborhood weirdo. PokéStops located near bus stops compound the problem. Nothing flays a bus driver's patience like making them stop just so they can hear "Oh, sorry, I'm playing Pokémon" from a sheepish 30-something.
Third, even if I had a bottomless desire to fight Blisseys for ages at a time, the weather can't be counted on for cooperation. This part of the world isn't a stranger to extreme heat, extreme cold, snowstorms, rainstorms, tornadoes, and grasshopper plagues (OK I made that one up). Perfect days are in short supply. That's another reason I'm a fan of quick fights in Pokémon Go.
I know toying with a Pokémon's balance is a big deal in the mainline games, but Pokémon Go isn't a mainline game. It doesn't even have player-to-player battling, and there's no indication the feature is coming anytime soon. So, I propose it's time to nerf Blissey in Pokémon Go. Screw its serene, knowing smile. Screw its incessant spamming of Dazzling Gleam. Screw its brick-hard core and screw the wads of cotton candy wrapped around that core like a sugar-soft cloud. Pull out Blissey's teeth, Niantic. One by one, if you must.
("But Nadia, Blissey doesn't have-")
By the way, check out our Pokemon Go guides and hints. They'll prove a big help when you're up against one of those Blissey jerks (or worse, a Blissey / Snorlax combo).