Imagine this: the city or town you live in is overtaken and occupied by a cult. A violent, semi-religious cult that wants to convert all the citizens to its way of thinking, or expunge them completely. People have died, homes have been destroyed, and the occupation is a brutal one. Then one brave soul, a local deputy, single-handedly frees the town from the local regime.
What's your first step in this new reality? The occupation has been broken, but the town isn't completely free yet. What's first on your list to restore a sense of safety and normalcy in the townsfolk? Food, water, or perhaps weapons? Working, rugged vehicles to allow the townsfolk to patrol or materials to build defenses?
What about the items needed to put on the town's local festival? Probably not at the top of the list, right? And what if that local event was centered all around the consumption of bull testicles?
Welcome to one of Far Cry 5's weirdest missions.
Once you free the small town of Fall's End, Spread Eagle bar cook Casey Fixman decides that the annual festival is what the town needs in order to come together. Sure, there are armed cultists within a few miles, but what Fall's End really needs is a chance to get drunk and scarf down bull testicles. This is Casey's plan.
"You know what this town needs? Balls. I'm dead serious. Fall's End Annual Testicle Festival is a decades old tradition. The Testy Festy is one of the few times the community comes together for what makes 'em happiest: scarfing down cowboy caviar," he explains to the player, sending you on the mission 'Testy Festy'.
First, you have to retrieve Casey's Testicle Festival cart. Not from cultists of course, because they have better things to do, like subjugate an entire county. No, from local Florida Man Kenny Hyde, who has lost the key to his garage inside a vulture. How did this happen? Kenny doesn't really explain it and I'm not sure I would want to know anyways. Vultures are carrion eaters, meaning they mostly eat dead things. What were you doing with the key, man?
Anyways, you get the key and bring the cart back to Casey. Despite the fact that you probably should get back to freeing the people of Hope County from an invasion force, Casey still needs more help. He wants you to collect the bull testicles for the festival. Not just regular testicles though. To get the right kind of flavor, you need specific testicles. Just let the madness wash over you. "Maybe the cultists are right?" you think to yourself.
Note, the weird part here isn't that there's a testicle festival. There is a fairly famous Montana Testicle Festival that this is based on. "Testy Festy" is actually the real term people use. "TestyFesty.com" is a working URL that will take you to Rock Creek Lodge's official site, which includes information about the event. I've eaten pig's feet and chitlins, so I can't judge. No, the weird part is that Casey wants to put the festival on while all this is happening. If Clinton, Montana was taken over, I doubt the local festival would be high on everyone's list of priorities. But Casey is a man on a mission.
"Right now, we serve our Montana tendergroins a lotta ways. Baked. Fried. Boiled. Steamed. Cured. Hell, we even got a signature dessert. Nuts-cream. But that ain't gonna cut it this year. We need something new. Something exciting," says Fixman. "We're gonna put together a spread that would make a TV chef's asshole pucker."
So he send you to kill some bulls and take their testicles. But you can't do it straight up, oh no. We're straight on the train to a Willy Wonka reality, so instead, you have to get bulls during certain situations. You need testicles from one bull carved up by a mulcher, one from a burned bull, and the last from bull in the middle of copulation. I understand now; this mission is supposed to let the player know that they are, in fact, playing a psychopath.
The first two are easy. (Inner voice: "What?") The third requires you to set cows free and wait for the bulls to engage in love-making. And when they do, Far Cry 5 offers a helpful audio cue in the form of Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing. Kill the lucky bull and bring Casey those testicles. Don't think about questions like "Why am I doing this?" and "Where do I keep all of the meat and skins I'm carrying around?"
"Did you get those meaty bags of victory?" asks Casey when you return, as if this is anywhere near normal. "I think this year's Testy Festy will go down as the greatest ever. Can't wait to pop one of those juicy balls into my mouth."
Then you go get drunk, shoot some balloons, and wake up the next morning alone in the field, next to a pig with a party hat. Sure, you might be the guy that saved Fall's End, but everyone just left you hanging. That the Project at Eden's Gate didn't come and try to kill you is surprising. For your trouble, you get some money and a lovely commemorative Testicle Festival t-shirt. I assume they put it on your unconcious body.
That's just one of the weirdest missions in Far Cry 5. There are more and insanity loves company. Be prepared for me to bring more magic your way.