Final Fantasy 14 is Unapologetically Horny, and I Support It

Final Fantasy 14 is Unapologetically Horny, and I Support It

"Ever hear the one about the Lalafell who had a 12-inch pianist?"

It's that time of year when everybody expects you to look back and reflect on what you've accomplished these past 12 months. My attempts to list my significant achievements cause me to black out while muttering "Uhhhhh" like Patrick Star from SpongeBob Squarepants, but at least I can say this much: I promised I'd start playing Final Fantasy 14 this year, and I did.

I'm still working through A Realm Reborn; it'll be a while before I can move on to the first expansion, Heavensward, let alone the critically acclaimed Shadowbringers. Nevertheless, so far, so good. I'm enjoying myself immensely, even if it's still a little strange to experience a Final Fantasy story through the lens of an MMORPG. (I never played Final Fantasy 11.) On one hand, Final Fantasy 14's story and characters more than meet the standards of a vanilla Final Fantasy game narrative. On the other hand, an NPC will be in the middle of telling me the story of the fallen Dragoon Estinien and then another player listening to the same story will suddenly summon the Batmobile and peace out.

(Yeah, I know you can get Final Fantasy 15's Regalia as a mount, but when you see a sleek black vehicle roar past you at a million miles per hour, of course you're going to be like, "Holy crap, is that the Batmobile?")

Final Fantasy 14's narrative deviates from my expectations in another way: The characters in this game are randy as hell. "Horny on main," as the kids say. It's hilarious, and I'm here for it for reasons I'll get into, but it's admittedly a bit weird to see as someone who's been with the Final Fantasy series for a long time. It's not unusual for other Final Fantasy games to break out suggestive jokes or content—the outfit Fran wears in Final Fantasy 12 won't fly in most churches—but I don't know if there's another mainline Final Fantasy game where an NPC warns you away from two nearby prostitutes who gave him an STD.

You'll find other examples of characters doing or saying stuff that's not exactly rated E for Everyone. NPCs discuss ongoing torrid love affairs, sex workers ply their trade without mincing words, and I've frankly seen more euphemisms for intercourse and male reproductive organs in a few hours of Final Fantasy 14 than I've seen in all the other Final Fantasy games put together. I proudly consider myself filthy in both mind and mouth, but even I said "Ha ha, what" when I saw another player's screenshot of an NPC who asked if they'd like to "dip the wick." I've never heard that one before. Any Final Fantasy game that has me taking notes on dirty slang earns my respect.

Obviously, dirty jokes don't make a Final Fantasy game good. I view their presence as a curiosity—but a welcome one, if I'm being honest. The jokes and discussions in Final Fantasy 14 are off-color but not exactly inappropriate. (At least not from my current station in the game.) They make the realm of Eorzea feel more lived-in, more real than other Final Fantasy locales. When I walk outside in real life, I'll overhear any number of people talking to friends about issues revolving around their nether regions. I don't see any reason why sentient fantasy races should be portrayed as not having the same life concerns, especially with how Eorzea's cultures feed off each other.

Also, truth be told, Final Fantasy 14's straight talk helps the game feel less pretty and porcelain-like than other titles in the series. Newer Final Fantasy games are particularly concerned with making sure its protagonists are innocent and free of scuffs. Final Fantasy 14 still gives us heroes and villains with lovably silly armor and pristine faces, but they feel more honest because they live in a realm where characters discuss their love lives alongside dinner plans.

At the same time, it's rare to find someone who goes overboard, and that's important too. Final Fantasy 14 strikes a good balance; it knows when to talk dirty to you, and it knows when to shut up and let you enjoy its purer elements. Like, it still gives me Dragoons with stupidly ornate armor (SO COOL), but I feel like somewhere in Ishgard there's got to be someone who tells me how Dragoons take that stuff off in a hurry when they're driven to have a quick tumble with a lover.

By the way, "tumble" is used by another NPC as a verb for sex. The same NPC also swears he has an enormous dong, then weepily takes it back when he's revealed to be a liar in every regard. Bless your filthy heart, Final Fantasy 14.

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Nadia Oxford

Staff Writer

Nadia has been writing about games for so long, only the wind and the rain (or the digital facsimiles thereof) remember her true name. She's written for Nerve, About.com, Gamepro, IGN, 1UP, PlayStation Official Magazine, and other sites and magazines that sling words about video games. She co-hosts the Axe of the Blood God podcast, where she mostly screams about Dragon Quest.

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