Forget Luigi's Package, Let's Celebrate Donkey Kong's Ass

Nothing makes the Internet lose its mind like a reminder that the Super Mario Bros are human beings (as far as video game characters classify as "human beings," anyway). Last year, we all hit the ceiling when a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey shone a spotlight on Mario's nipples. Today, we're seeing equal parts celebration and pearl-clutching because social media examined promo art of Luigi for Mario Tennis Aces and identified a bulge where you'd expect to see a bulge on most human males.

Twitter is largely rolling its eyes over the news. Tumblr, however, immediately whipped out its ruler an protractor and got to work.

I'm not ashamed for the human race, even though Twitter tells me I should be. I think this is the kind of thing Socrates and Plato would jaw about for hours if they lived in modern times and drank too much IPA one night. Also, it's not like Nintendo's ever denied Mario, Luigi, and their closest acquaintances have functional plumbing. I think we've all seen enough of Wario's gaseous ass to last us until the heat death of the universe (which may actually be brought on by Wario's aforementioned gaseous ass given how often he discharges it with aplomb).

I like Luigi a lot. I'm happy we have confirmation he's schmeckel-positive, and I'm happiest for Daisy. But let's not act like he's brave for having a reproductive organ that he keeps tucked away. Instead, let's save our applause for Donkey Kong's well-toned gorilla ass. It's firm, it's well-defined, he leaves it out for the world to worship, and if you ask him nicely, he might let you get a better look at it.