New Reveals for Pokémon Sun and Moon Will Rip You Apart and / or Give You the Plague

Anyone who thinks Pokémon are universally harmless and cuddly hasn't paid much attention to some of the messed-up background stories behind a surprising number of the critters. Cubone weeps endlessly for its dead mother. Lampent can't wait for your grandmother to pop off so it can absorb her soul. And Drifloon straight-up steals children.

It looks like Pokémon Sun and Moon will continue the tradition of Pokémon that make you go "Ahhhh!" with at least one of its new pocket monsters: Mimicu, a Ghost / Fairy-type who dons a shoddily-constructed Pikachu costume in hopes of finding love and friendship. Unfortunately, it's not likely to find any sort of companionship thanks to a rumor on Alola Island claiming anyone who tries to lift Mimicu's sheet will fall ill.

What's under Mimicu's sheet, then? What kind of creeping, sun-hating mass undulates under that hem? As it is with Cubone's mask, mortal minds were never meant to know for sure.

Mimicu's unveiling (in a sense) recently came via CoroCoro. The issue also revealed Kiteruguma, a Normal / Fighting-type bear whose massive strength inspires fear in Alola's natives. According to Serebii's translation of CoroCoro, Kiteruguma is dangerous enough to warrant signs all over Alola Island. It can supposedly "break anything in two" and "raising one puts your life in danger."

It's interesting how Kiteruguma's information is threaded with alarm bells and klaxons even though it's frankly adorable-looking. Its pink-and-brown color scheme reminds me of a strawberry-frosted cupcake. It belongs in the Bare Bear stack, not on signs advising you to run for your life.

Mimicu, meanwhile, is a disease-ridden fae-ghost who will deceive you with a gown of Pikachu skins in a twisted attempt to win your heart. It abhors sunlight and if you make one wrong move around it, you might wind up with the Pokémon universe's equivalent of leprosy. And as we've already established, the Pokémon world is not bereft of nasty afflictions and terrible fates.

Yet Kiteruguma gets the "!!!DO NOT ENGAGE!!!" warnings instead of Mimicu. I don't understand.

I guess Alola's population understands its wildlife better than I do. Still, don't be surprised if you're minding your own business one day and Mimicu slithers out of your TV. Just close your eyes and accept your fate.