I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was, I would pass
Look at the tested and think, "There but for the grace go I"
Might be a coward
I'm afraid of what I might find out
While you were May-the-fourthing your way into Star Wars comedy oblivion yesterday, Twitter's retro gaming community burned merry hell thanks to a poll erected by one Eric "Nintendo Legend" Bailey.
Bailey is infamous for his troll-ish Twitter polls, each of which ask some manner of Sophie's Choice-style question. His latest project is asking the internet for its opinion on the "worst" NES game, then lists games that are the polar opposite of bad.
Hi, NES fans! Which NES game is the worst?— Eric Bailey (@Nintendo_Legend) May 3, 2017
For example, on May 3 he asked, "Which NES game is the worst?" The answers were "Mario 3," "Kirby's Adventure," and "Contra," because everyone loves moral conundrums about whether it's ethical to run over one person with a trolley to save five people tied to the branching track.
Still, people grit their teeth and voted out Contra without losing too much sleep. So Bailey decided to up the ante.
Which NES game is the worst?— Eric Bailey (@Nintendo_Legend) May 4, 2017
The response was immediate and furious.
I admittedly voted, because a little pain makes me feel alive. But I reminded Bailey his actions are not going unnoticed by the very eyes of Notre Dame.
Human history (and Persona games) dictates that people's dark sides will inevitably spill out when they're faced with a conflict. As the voting war between the games heat up, friend turned against friend, and neighbor scorned neighbor.
@Nintendo_Legend The 30% who chose Super Mario Bros. 3 do not deserve any video games.— PkmnTrainerJ (@PkmnTrainerJ) May 4, 2017
Other participants fell into the black tar of nihilism.
@Nintendo_Legend Hi I'm Mario 3 and my levels are 10 seconds long and I can't hide the fact that I'm drawing the level as you scroll. Durr Durr Durr.— RJ Shelling (@RJShelling) May 4, 2017
@Nintendo_Legend Hi I'm Megaman 2 and I come with baby mode and did you just beat a level? YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES OF TEXT— RJ Shelling (@RJShelling) May 4, 2017
But most of us ultimately acknowledged that Super Mario Bros 3 is the not-worst NES game, though it hurt our very souls to vote against the Blue Bomber.
You will answer for your sins, Eric.
Bailey is already suffering, as Twitter clearly voted against his own preferred game. That's what happens when you dabble in the black arts, son.
YOUR GAMING OPINIONS ARE TRAAAAAAAASH pic.twitter.com/zi7uy4GOvA— Eric Bailey (@Nintendo_Legend) May 4, 2017
Astute USgamer readers will notice I voted Super Mario Bros 3 over Mega Man 2. Like everyone else, I was darkly compelled to make a choice, though it was a bit like choosing between oxygen and water. I just had to give the nod to Super Mario Bros 3, though: It's a more influential game than Mega Man 2, and my personal history with Mario's third adventure runs incredibly deep. I actually didn't play Mega Man 2 until I'd already tucked away Mega Man 3 and 4.
When you're faced with a conundrum of this magnitude, your final choice is swayed by the small things like "How nostalgic am I for this game, exactly?"
…Also, Super Mario Bros 3 is much more visually interesting than Mega Man 2. Fite me.