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Open your books. It's time to learn Nintendo Theology. Here's your single lesson, the sole doctrine you need carry in your bosom to protect you against all evils: Kirby is your Savior. Kirby is our Savior. Only he has the power to protect us from fallen Seraphim who command, uh, giant hands that…turn into laser beams, and…
Look, Kirby's going to save us all. That's all that matters. All right?
Kirby's been with the Super Smash Bros series since day one, but his appearance in the November 1 Super Smash Bros Ultimate Nintendo Direct might have overshadowed the reveal of newcomers Ken, Incineroar, and Piranha Plant (blessed be). When Nintendo unveiled Smash Bros Ultimate's "Spirits Mode," it also offered a cinema explaining why players need to travel around the world and collect the wayward souls of the many, many heroes you're expected to find. Long story short, a surprisingly Bible-accurate angel summons a host of Master Hands who transform into laser-fire. The shots slice through one hero after another. The carnage even blows up some neighboring real estate in the Milky Way. Whoever this angel is, someone or something pissed it off mightily.
Only Kirby escapes the massacre—and he seemingly did so by turning himself into stardust, then reforming after things had cooled off. Keep in mind the Smash Roster is comprised of veteran heroes and demi-gods. Link dies. Fire Emblem's heroes fall. Snake's all-purpose box disintegrates. Even Rosalina, who has overseen the birth and death of entire galaxies, gets turned to ash by the angel and its weird warriors. But it's Kirby, the little pink puffball from Planet Popstar, who finds a way to evade the Horsemen's last ride. And instead of staying safe between dimensions, he descends back to the ashen ground and looks upon the devastation. He knows what he must do, and by all the gods and natural laws that govern the universe, he's prepared to do it.
Kirby is the perfect choice—nay, the only choice—for Spirits Mode's savior. Kirby isn't the butt of a joke. He's not a piece in a heavy-handed lesson about the small and meek inheriting the world. Kirby has faced down actual Eldritch horrors in several of his games, including Zero 2 in Kirby 64, Star Dream in Planet Robobot, and Void Termina / Void Soul in Kirby Star Allies. Yes, other Nintendo characters have gone up against some disturbing bosses; Majora from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is a good example. But Kirby seems to have made fighting The Black Space Goat with a Thousand Young his personal M.O.
Heck, Kirby might be an Eldritch horror. The aforementioned Void Soul looks a great deal like our soft friend, though its shimmering, shifting faces indicates it doesn't know anything about itself beyond its purpose to end all things. Kirby, on the other hand, knows who he is. He knows he only cares about three things: Sandwiches, naps, and his friends. If Kirby holds onto the things he loves with a bulldog grip, the world will prosper because he'll fight for us. The Spirits Mode cinema confirms this. If, however, Kirby lets go of his convictions, that will be the day we all die at the tentacles of some Elder God. That is, if Kirby doesn't simply inhale the entirety of creation and send us all spinning into the infinite black dimension existing in his stomach.
It's a good thing Kirby has tons of friends, then. We're rooting for you, Kirby! Please restore the poor Duck Hunt Dog. The last thing it saw was Death coming for it on a blazing horse, and I can't deal with that.
Duck struggling to fly Dog to safety is a big "OH NO," but I love how Wii Fit Trainer quietly accepts death and resolves to Tree-Pose her way to the Buddha. Villager is just "FUCK, WHERE'S MY BUG NET, I GOTTA--" pic.twitter.com/6YUFj5mhIa— Nadia Oxford (@nadiaoxford) November 1, 2018
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