Hey, everyone. Guess who's getting a new game? Bubsy!
Yeah, Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back is coming to the PC and PlayStation 4 this fall. We live in a world where Klonoa is probably dead, and Mega Man only exists in retro game collections, but … no, you know what, this is fine.
I heard the news yesterday while attempting to choke down two huge pool water-flavored glasses of contrast for a medical procedure. The hospital's televisions blared endless political discourse from Planet Wut, my intravenous' entry point itched like a flea party, and when I tried to escape to my phone, Bubsy was everywhere. Truly the best day.
Then I turned the name "Bubsy" over in my head, and with my genius IQ I was quickly able to deduce that "Bubsy" sounds a lot like "Boobsy."
Suddenly, my mind started spinning like a Pentium hard drive pocked with bad sectors. "Hey," I said, "I wonder if people draw erotic fan art of Bubsy?" So I checked, and it was the worst thing I've ever done, because of course people draw erotic fan art of Bubsy.
These are already hard times full of awful things, but I need ask you to keep the image of Bubsy in rut behind your eyelids for a little longer. See, I need to bring something to your attention. Something scandalous that involves Accolade's mascot and the act of bobcats mating.
We're being sold a game about a bobcat, but it's clear Bubsy isn't a full-blooded bobcat. He's a hybrid between a bobcat and a Canadian lynx, or what cryptozoologists call a "Blynx" (holy crap, I just got the joke).
Bubsy's body proportions, not to mention some of the markings on his lying, stinking pelt, give him away. Here's my argument, and please do me a favor by imagining it's preceded by a Phoenix Wright-style desk-slam.
Bobcats, the species Bubsy claims as his own, admittedly look a lot like the Canadian lynx. The cats' territories even cross over, though bobcats are more widespread in the United States, whereas the location of the Canadian lynx's home base is given away in its name.
However, the bobcat has very short ear-tufts, smallish paws, visible spotting on its coat, and a tail that has some length when compared to the lynx's tail. Lynxes, on the other hand, have very long ear-tufts, big foofy snowshoe paws, faded spots, and a stump for a tail.
And what about our friend Bubsy's notable characteristics? Let's count 'em down:
- Noticeably long ear-tufts (Lynx)
- Humongous paws (Lynx)
- No noticeable spotting (Lynx)
- A tail of some length with a white underside (Bobcat)
I've made an additional observation about Bubsy that distances him from both sides of his hidden parentage, however:
- A voice like an old screen door that never stops belting out pop culture references that weren't funny in the '90s, either (Unclear origin; possibly Satanic)
I know I'm asking you to take in a lot of serious information just before the E3 gauntlet, but I can't stand idle in the shadow of such blatant deception. Why's Bubsy seemingly so determined to erase half his heritage? All the wisecracking he does may be a way for the feline to make us look the other way (possibly in disgust) while he makes plans with other lynxes and blynxes to pee on North America's trees by the hundreds and disembowel fuzzy bunny rabbits. I'm not cat-racist, but you know stereotypes exist for a reason.
More importantly, if you're promised a game starring a bobcat, then you should get a game starring a bobcat -- even if you plan to somehow pull Bubsy onto the physical plane, stuff a firecracker in his mouth, and light the fuse.
This is real, people. This is urgent. This is #Blynxgate.