Warning: Spoilers for Fire Emblem: Three Houses within!
Fire Emblem: Three Houses is a game about the agonies brought on by war and the complicated politics of Church and State. It's also a game about running around like your butt's on fire because you want to poach students for your House before "The Deadline" hits.
When you know the time skip is getting closer and you still havent recruited the students you wanted pic.twitter.com/2BrBbzi7UG— ChuChuMcGoo (@chuchumcgoo) August 16, 2019
It's not part of my job to tell you which Three Houses characters should be your favorites. It is, however, my job to make occasional lists of things that are cool. That's why I helped put together a ranking of Three Houses' students and faculty.
Characters Who are Not Particularly Talented, But Someone Has to be Archer Bait
- 34. Ferdinand
- 33. Sylvain
- 32. Lorenz
- 31. Caspar
My father used to say "Not every doctor can be an 'A' student," and the same observation applies for anime kids in an anime military academy, too. It's not that these characters are bad fighters, but they're probably not part of your party when you order your soldiers to pull on their boots and saddles before the fight starts. Then at some point you notice they're five levels behind your A-team, pull them off the bench out of pity, and immediately regret it when a Pegasus Knight flies down their throat spear-first. Oh well. If you're not playing with permadeath on, you should give your special soldiers a "You Tried" star regardless.
I'm going to come right out and admit I don't know if Sylvain is a decent fighter. I immediately pegged him as The Annoying One and thoroughly ignored him. I almost did the same for Lorenz, but he undergoes an admirable amount of character growth and turned into one of my favorite characters in the end. That doesn't change the fact that he cries for a fainting couch if his horse trips on a pebble.
Incidentally, Lorenz and Caspar are voiced by Benjamin Diskin, who is the voice of the hapless hyena Haida on Aggretsuko. You can really hear the shared voice whenever Caspar talks. Just tell her you love her, you flea-bitten fool.
The Boomers Who've Already Thrown Their Back Out Three Times
- 30. Hanneman
- 29. Manuela
- 28. Alois
Much as Gen-Xers and Millennials dunk on Baby Boomers (not without reason), not every person in the age group carries petty disdain for the generations they were supposed to improve the world for. I believe the same holds true for Garreg Mach's aged staff. Let's see: I think Hanneman is the type to nod irritably along to articles about how Millennials are killing the Pegasus manure industry, while Alois buys alcohol for the underrage students because he wants to be the "cool Grandpa." Manuela's mood might swing to either side depending on how well (or disastrously) her inexorable romantic encounter went the night before.
The Cinnamon Roll Characters Who Have Never Done a Wrong Thing in Their Lives
- 27. Ashe
- 26. Marianne
- 25. Bernadetta
- 24. Dorothea
- 23. Ignatz
- 22. Petra
- 21. Cyril
- 20. Raphael
- 19. Linhardt
The precious, precious children who must be protected at all costs, even though most of them are capable of piercing your eyeball with an arrow at 500 yards. Some, like Bernadetta, need to work hard to overcome their anxieties and fears. Others, like Ignatz, are gentle-souled students who put their dreams on hold and smash skulls because Father Says So. Then there's Cyril who's so single-minded and bitter that you just want to hug him while he stands stiff and glares over your shoulder resentfully, like an ornery cat.
Admittedly, Ashe was a thief who did wrong things before he came to Garreg Mach, and his innate Lockpicking ability means he's still technically a thief—OK, that's enough. No judgment here. Only love.
The Adults Who Wonder How They Wound Up Monitoring This Field Trip from Hell
- 18. Gilbert
- 17. Dedue
- 16. Mercedes
- 15. Catherine
- 14. Seteth
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a teacher attempting to wrangle a bunch of hormone-addled pre-teens on a field trip? You'll see only immeasurable weariness and self-loathing that mirrors the expressions of the damned humans in Bosch's famous triptych, Garden of Earthly Delights. The adults in Garreg Mach aren't your average school teachers, but they only keep themselves together because they're mostly oblivious to what's happening around them. Catherine lets the kids run amok because she's too busy trying to get Senpai Rhea to notice her. Gilbert and Seteth think they have the students' full respect, but they're actually being played like fiddles. As soon as they start snoring at night, Claude empties the dining hall's liquor cabinet of peach schnapps and leads a procession of students into the woods.
The Children Who Are Unsettlingly Good at Murder
- 13. Flayn
- 12. Annette
- 11. Lysithea
Most of the characters in Fire Emblem: Three Houses are far too young to be subject to the horrors of war, but there are few characters capable of eviscerating enemies even though they don't look old enough to spell "spaghetti" properly. To be fair, Flayn is much older than her youthful face lets on, and Lysithea's massively-shortened lifespan at the hands of the Empire's experiments has filled her with righteous rage. Annette is probably the only one who should be playing with dolls instead of dying on a godforsaken battlefield filled with sharp rocks and lava. If she prefers to blow up enemies' heads with magic instead of wasting time making her Barbie and Fluttershy toys kiss, that's not my business.
"You Are Already Dead."
- 10. Hubert
- 09. Leonie
- 08. Byleth
- 07. Felix
- 06. Ingrid
- 05. Hilda
- 04. Dimitri
- 03. Edelgard
- 02. Claude
- 01. Shamir
Here we have the opposite of the Archer Bait tier. These are the characters you know you shouldn't bring on-field time after time because the Loser Patrol needs a chance to level up, but you just can't kick them to the sidelines. Maybe you're in love with one of the characters and want to court them. (Shamir.) Maybe you need the aid of a dependable character who punches holes in literally everything you throw at them. (Shamir.) Maybe you're even just enthralled by their cool voice and confident moves (Shamir.) Whatever your reasons, you've trained them into a one-person army who makes Demon Beasts take one look at the field and say, "Aight, imma 'bout to head out." (Shamir, Shamir, Shamir.)
S+ Banned at Locals God Tier
- The Gatekeeper
Talking to this stalwart guardian of Garreg Mach invariably nets you a heart-warming "Greetings, Professor! Nothing to report!" I'm sure of few things in this world, but I'm convinced if the Gatekeeper died, he'd be happy as a clam to spend eternity rooted beside his portcullis. That's because deep in his heart of hearts, he knows staying put is the best way to keep his ancient powers safely tethered. If allowed to run free on the battlefield, the Gatekeeper would lose control and smite everyone from the mightiest enemy general to the last ladybug crawling in the blood-soaked dirt. Then he'd truly have nothing to report, because nothing would be left alive under the sun.