It's normal to want to cuddle up with Pokemon, or so I tell my therapist every week. The big-bellied Snorlax, for example, is the basis for a popular oversized plush/bean bag. I already know I won't die happy until science finds a way to let me hug a living, breathing Arcanine. But even I have my limits, and they stop somewhere well-short of PokeShopper's [puts on glasses, peers at screen] "Official Metapod Human Outfit."
That Lovecraftian string of horrible words describes an upcoming sleeping bag product that lets you wrap yourself in the exoskeleton of a Metapod. PokeShopper tweeted a preview of the item earlier today, which sold out in a matter of hours because humans are sinners who delight in the twisted, perverse temptations that flourish in the cold shadows miles away from God's light.
I have questions. Even people who haven't played Pokemon since 1999 know that Metapod is the first evolutionary phase of Caterpie, who then emerges as Butterfree, who then abandons Ash to get some tail. Does that mean the Metapod sleeping bag is an abandoned shell left behind by a newborn Butterfree? Is this the forsaken womb people will voluntarily crawl into when the sleeping bag comes to Japan in April of next year?
No sir, I don't like it. On the other hand, I should consider the alternative. Imagine if the sleeping bag was engineered to emulate a Metapod that's still transitioning into a Butterfree. Earth butterflies morph by literally melting themselves down and building themselves back up. Who wants to slip inside a bag filled with liquefied Caterpie guts?
Well, I'm sure someone does. We're not going to think about that. Instead, look at the rest of PokeShopper's "Coming Soon" items. There's some awesome stuff on display. That Galarian Ponyta plush looks wonderful. I bet it won't commit any crimes against nature when it comes out—unless being fabulous is a crime.