Another year has passed, which means E3 has once again awoken from its infernal slumber.
For members of the press, this is the time when our speculation engines start running at full throttle. And while some of the tastiest surprises have already been revealed, so much of this year's E3 experience is still shrouded in secrecy and the unbreakable vows of silence made by security guards and teamsters who've probably seen everything by now. I might not be pulling in a hefty salary on par with the Michael Pachters of the world, but after reading this, I think you'll find our predictions are roughly of the same quality.
Bob's Surefire Predictions for E3 2015
- In an attempt to improve the game industry's image, convention-goers are prohibited from cheering or clapping whenever they witness a headshot during an E3 presentation. They may, however, hold their lighters high if they spot an exit wound.
- Former NBA athlete Bill Laimbeer takes the stage at EA's conference to announce the return of his obscure action-sports franchise. The only eight people in the crowd to recognize him are immediately extracted for use in the U.S. Army's new Combat Basketball program.
- Keeping with his recent downward spiral, infamous film director Uwe Boll rents space on the E3 show floor just to shout crude, German insults to passersby through a bullhorn. Thinking he's part of some new, advanced AR experience, several respectable outlets plaster Boll's booth with Best of Show awards.
- Bungie partners with drug giant Pfizer to release a medicated patch that will allow people to experience the dopamine rush of finding awesome loot in Destiny, but without having to play the game. The downside: only one box out of every 300 contains patches that actually work.
- Attendees can't help but be confused when Activision and Ubisoft each announce very similar-sounding first chapters of new mega-franchises: Strife Rising: Origins, and Anarchy Ascension: Beginnings. Journalists accidentally swap these names around multiple times within their articles, but no one seems to notice.
- Forced to make good on his 2011 promise of a Vita game, Ken Levine announces his involvement with the only viable series left on the platform: Hyperdimension Neptunia. Having Learned his lesson from BioShock Infinite's multiple delays, he announces a more realistic release date for this upcoming project: Holiday 2023.
- As part of the unfortunate trend of HD remakes, Sony reveals The Order: 1886 Remastered. When asked how a release from months ago could possibly receive a makeover so soon, SCEA President Shawn Layden responds, "Hey, why don't you try making a new video game sometime?"
- Star Fox fans are confused to see so much emphasis on Krystal, Fox McCloud's love interest, in the series' new Wii U installment. Five days later, the company conspicuously announces the acquisition of the world's largest body pillow manufacturer.
- To recoup losses on its lengthy development cycle, Sony reveals the new form of The Last Guardian: a free-to-play mobile MOBA. All hope on planet earth dies forever—except on Bonus XP Weekends.
- Out of desperation, tens of thousands of attendees at the L.A. Convention Center will buy a slice of cheese pizza for nine dollars. The grease may wash off their fingers, but the shame of paying 10 times the street value for reheated DiGiorno will last forever.
- A popular YouTube "prosumer" suffers a blood clot and passes away on the E3 show floor after waiting in line seven hours to play an upcoming triple-A release. To spare his dignity, it's reported that he died on the toilet.
- While setting up for Microsoft's presentation, E3 maintenance staff plays last year's Conker comeback teaser to check for the presence of wayward crickets.
- Quantic Dream's David Cage teases a revolutionary new game that will only require a single decision from the player: whether or not they want to watch the hours-long, non-interactive CGI movie he's created.
- While wheeling out some trash, a food service worker takes a wrong turn through the winding Convention Center tunnels and stumbles upon a secret society of Cirque du Soleil defectors from E3 2010's Kinect presentation. In accordance with the troupe's policy on interlopers, she is devoured immediately.
- In a shocking move, the President of a major console company wastes 20 minutes of his presentation insulting the wife and children of one of his peers. Unfortunately, this will stand as one of the least offensive things to happen at an E3 2015 conference.